Running in circles and starting the day at 5:30 AM

Growing up, I had this fantasy about being a mom. I was going to have 4 kids, 2 girls, 2 boys each 2 years apart, and life would be a breeze. I would cook and clean, and get them off to school, all the while thinking of magical ways to make their lives better. I would have a beautiful home, big back yard, complete with swing set and wrap around porch, and life would be a dream.

I didn't really understand all the struggles and trials that come with being a mom. I didn't know I would marry someone with a child already, or lose my first child. I didn't realize that no matter how late I put my youngest down for bed at night, he feels that 5:30 in the morning is the perfect time to get up, so by around 10:00 he is very whiny and of course tired, but I can't put him down for a nap yet.

I didn't realize that I would feel like a servant, who goes unappreciated, unrecognized and has zero time for herself. My life at the moment is nowhere near what I thought it would be, and although it's different I know it's OK for now. We live with my parents while paying off my husband's student loans and saving for a home.  Instead of a swing set, we are planning to put in a putting green for our boys, and possibly a batting cage type area. I am not a full time stay-at-home mom, I work crazy hours every day and squeeze everything else in when I can.

On Monday I took the boys to the aquarium at 10:00 am before going to the babysitters, however babysitters son was sick, so instead I made it a date with my boys. After the aquarium we went to Del Taco for lunch, hit the library for books and movies, and then ended it with frozen  yogurt, Karson's favorite. Even squeezed in a run on the treadmill while Hudson took a nap, and it felt good.

Monday night Karson had baseball practice and while I was watching him, I clapped for another kid on his team and Karson heard me and said " no, mom that wasn't me, you have to cheer for me" In primary last year for Mother's Day they had the kids tell them 5 things they loved about their moms one thing Karson put for me was that he loves when I cheer for him. And that is what we are isn't it? We are, our kids cheerleaders. They need our positivity even when we feel like we have none to give. They need our smiles and laughter, just as much as we need to laugh ourselves.

Last night after a long day, I was sitting on the couch looking through my NOOK and Karson yells while he is in the tub, " MOM!" , reluctantly I said " What???" kind of with an exasperated tone in my voice, and he says " I just wanted you to know I love you", I paused for a moment and said " Love you too buddy." Of course my kids are always teaching me a lesson, when I lose my patience, or want to be annoyed, in one simple second, my attitude changes and I love my kids even more.

So at the end of the day when I am down on myself for not working out that extra ten minutes, for trying so hard to get the dinner meals planned, for having to vacuum TWICE because little one spilled his chips all over the floor and then decided to step in them for fun, when cereal milk is spilled all over the floor mixed with grated cheese and I want to scream.....at least I know no matter how imperfect I may be, my kids will love me back no matter what!